TODAY'S FUNNY DISCOVERIES

CHECK THIS COLLEGE LECTURE OUT I'm sure its not as amusing as Branshine's ALMOST college lecture, but just the same.

The same guys pulled THIS ONE in the library.

Too damn funny! That takes some cajones!!!

In other news, it has been braught to my attention that a number resembling my company's Toll Free number 1-877-(co.name.here) is pretty interesting. If you would like to check it out, 1-877 486 4867. Warning: Not for the prudent!!! Aparently one of my clients found this out when he mis-dialed....

It's Beerthirty, and its Beenalongday. Cheers.

I REALLY AM TECHNOLOGICALLY RETARDED

I decided it was about time to become one of the cool kids and get Haloscan (as you can see below). However, the f-in' thing wiped out all of my comments from before!!! WTF???????? Oh well, might as well start over!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

SIXTIES PERSON

I always thought that would have been a good decade in which to grow up.


You are a Playboy. You perv.

What kind of Sixties Person are you?

Okay, okay! Before anyone says anything, given the other options, this was the only remotely fitting one. Not really sure about the criterian matrix on this because I don't think I answered "Playboyish" type answers. Anyhow, let me know what you get.

CHICKEN SANDWICHES

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and
became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on
all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her
sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you
like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow
little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He
looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating
chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for
her.
She said "Oh, my Gosh, it's too late for you! You've already got the
neck and the gizzards!!!"

SOME THINGS I ACCEPT THAT I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND

The phone rang late last night - certainly a drunken dialer. But from a number that wasn't familiar. Normally, I wouldn't answer - but I was a little curious - so I picked it up.

"Hello?"
Female voice, eerily familiar: "What'dya doin'?
"Lying in bed. What are you doing?" Trying to buy time to place the voice.
"Driving."
I'm drawing a blank, but as I say "Who IS this?" - it comes to me.
"This is Stalker Chick #4 - (SC4 for short)!!!!! Who the hell did you think it was?"

I'm now a little irritated. "I didn't know, I haven't talked to you in like 3 months. What's up?"
SC4:"I just wanted you to know that I'm seeing someone else now."

-WTF? Who cares?

"Good for you, I'm glad. Hope it works out for you."
SC4:"Oh, its working great. I'm SOOOO happy."

-Is this about that "closure" thing? Because I've never really understood that. Maybe I've just never been in the position to need to. At any rate, my dating her for a very short period of time certainly shouldn't warrant a "closure". Why she finds it necessary to call me to tell me this is beyond me. She even used someone else's phone, because she figured I wouldn't answer if I saw it was her. I did get a "This isn't working, I don't think we should see each other anymore" call once from a non-stalker cool chick I dated for several months. The odd thing about it was that it was 2 months after the last time I had talked to her. I was so surprised all I could say is "Um, okay. I understand." That was undoubtedly a "closure" call. I digress........


"Thats great. I should g..........."

SC4: "Its a girl, too."

"M-kay??!! That's cool I guess. Whatever you're into."

SC4: "Thats what I'm into. Just wanted you to know it."

"Alright then."

SC4 "Alright then."

"Take care."

SC4: "Is that all you have to say?"

"Um, yeah. I'm really tired - I need to get some sl..."

SC4: "Can I come over?"

"Nooooooo!! I think you should go find your new girlfriend."

(she mumbles something and hangs-up)

Now I'm thoroughly confused. If this was a "closure" call, why did she want to come over? The same question applies for her "I'm SSOOO happy" comment. And I put a stop to her "comming over" months ago, which is when she turned into SC4 - why would she think something had changed? What vexes me the most though, is why did she find it relevant to tell me she's in a relationship with a girl? Was that supposed to bother me in some way? Should I be bothered? Was she implying that I caused this? Is that a good thing? Or a bad thing? Ok, now I'm just over-analyzing the irrelevant. Its really too bad she turned into a stalker chic, because she really was pretty cool before that - she would have been fun to keep as a friend. Oh well.

Sorry for the rant. Everytime I think I've got things figured out, I realize how far away from it I really am. But that off my chest, I'm ready for a drink and listen to bad bar music. Unfortunately I have to give a presentation first......

BRILLIANT!!!!

Its rare, but every now and again, I come accross a gem of a quote.

In a "comments" section on one of the blogs I lurk, I just saw on of the best:

"Remember, at the start of all relationships...its not the (person) you are meeting... It's their representative."

That's beautiful! I wish I had thought of it. Pretty true, for the most part, I think. Unless there is a true connection where both people are pretty comfortable from the start. Thats when things have the most potential. But thats just my humble opinion.

TIME TIME TIME

If you don't have time or are uninterested in reading the long shit underneath this post, at least go to THIS REALLY COOL SITE. And start typing in names. Its good for 20-30 minutes of fun, at the very least.

BUT SERIOUSLY, FOLKS

THIS MIGHT GET YOUR ASS KICKED IF YOU WERE A HIGH SCHOOL GUY.

The company is marketing "chastity underwear" to promote abstinence. We've all seen how the "Just Say No" campaign worked out....

Anyhow, you can read the full story HERE.

Does anyone disagree that sex has been highly de-sensitized over the last 10-15 years? I could be wrong, its been a while since I was in high school. I'm really not ranting - I'm not sure that it makes much of a difference to me. I'm sure I'll feel different when I'm a father.

When I stop and think about it though, is sex at the forefront of issues keeping people from finding fulfilling relationships and marriages today? From commitment? I think it could be key. I've (to my knowledge) never been in a "break-up" situation that directly involved cheating. Well, not really. The only time that comes close is when I broke up with a live-in girlfriend of 2 years because I was too much of a pansy to break up with her a year earlier when I was tired of the relationship. I found out a week later that she had been shagging my buddy for a month or so before I broke it off. I was surprisingly not too upset about it. A little bruised, but fairly apathetic. The buddy in question was married and a habitual cheater. He never felt remorse about the way his wife felt when she would catch him. When she found out about them, she did the whole thing where she showed up on my doorstep wanting to "get revenge". I might have done it for the sport, but I knew she'd been with him - and I knew the girls HE'D been with - I was a little afraid... In fact, I'm not even convinced they had all been girls. The point I'm trying to make though, is that there is a lot of confusion in the world about sex and intimacy. I don't have any answers - but I know the problem is there. If I did have kids around pubescent age, I would be concerned about how to approach them in the best way to enable them to make the best decisions. I'm not talking about whether to have sex or not, but rather what sex should mean to them when they do finally decide to "get 'er done".

'nuff intulektual bolshite - here's a good joke:

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful
woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new
at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her
thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I
apparently still looked confused.

So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said,
"Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my
hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed
it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these
excite you?"

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was
slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down
on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I
could no longer hold back and pow, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did." And held up my thumb to show her.

I DON'T WANNA GROW UP.......AGAIN.

One of the inner demons I've been trying to face lately is my occasional phase of "refusing to be an adult". Its not that I don't think like an adult - I've been thinking like an adult since I was 8 years old. Its my actions.

Since last fall, most of my weekends have been a little fuzzy. Some more than others. Since I'm not at all fond of the cold, I like to be indoors during the late fall/winter. I also like to sleep in, which is only occasionally possible. Yeah, yeah - I know - AA is saving a chair for me...

Its really not THAT bad. Its simply a lack of immagination for other things to do, and maybe a little rebellion mixed in somewhere.

One of the hardest parts of living in Houston has been finding people who share the same interests as I do - outside of drinking, that is. Its not that they don't exist, it has much more to do with my circle of contact (mostly firemen, medics and police. And workers in some industrial facets.) No disrespect to my bretheren, but talking about a recent trip to the Museum of Fine Arts at the firehouse is just a massive open door for intense hazing.

When I was married, it was much easier. We had other married friends - with other married interest and we'd all do fun and immaginative married things. But my ex was successful in breaking down those relationships prior to the demise of the marriage. (Hmmm, in retrospect - that could have been a big part in my bitterness leading to the end. Never thought of that one before.) At any rate, its hard to imagine that 3 years ago, I was much more grown-up and domestic than I am now. Okay, domestic might be a little stretch as yard work wasn't my favorite. I didn't hate it - especially once I got out and started it - it was getting motivated to get out and begin that was a problem.

So my plan is this. I don't have to grow up again yet - maybe if I were in a commited relationship, but I'm not right now. But I do need to start taking more advantage of the things I'm interested in and how much of it Houston has to offer. This includes starting to get my happy ass out of the house on Saturday mornings to go do something fun outside. The improving weather will encourage this as well.

Actually, I had every intention of accomplishing this over the past weekend, but the impromptu party of about a dozen people at 0330 at my place didn't help my chances much. Bars shouldn't close so damn early....

WAXING PHILOSOPHICALLY

I was talking to my oldest and closest buddy on the phone the other night. He told me he's been in a little of a funk. Not really like a deep depression type funk. More, he's been pondering intraspective aspects of himself - and isn't coming up with satisfactory answers. Or should I say answers period. I told him I've kind of been in the same funk, but trying not to think about it and burrying it under countless bottles of beer and emersing myself into NTN at the bar. By the way, this is a relatively new addiction. NTN, not beer. I know, I know. It can be somewhat anti-social, but ironically I've made all sorts of new friends at the bar who share the addiction. So in my plight to avoid thinking too much about myself, I'm diverting my thinking to a trivia game. But I digress.

What I'm trying to get at is an interesting observation I've made recently. In speaking to other friends and reading the dozen or so blogs that I frequent, including blogs of blogs (kind of like friends of friends) - I've noticed a lot of people in the same "Funk". Really, "Funk" isn't the right word, but I'm not sure how else to describe it - maybe the beer and NTN have fried my ability to be eloquent. At any rate, people have been sounding like they are looking for answers to questions that are not answerable. I ponder why.

My best conclusion has everything to do, ultimately, with the earth's rotation. We are in full blown spring. This is the season of renewal and rejuvination for most everything living on our planet (in this hemisphere, technically. Actually above the 29th parallel to be REALLY technical). To be intraspective during this period is only a natural way to rejuvinate your soul. I really believe its brought on by the weather and the angle of the sun. I also think its one of the healthiest things a human can do. Although questions don't specifically get answered, its good to ask them in order to better understand one's self. Its also good to share those things out loud - which is a really cool thing about blogs.

I'm glad my buddy called the other night. It sounded like he's been needing to unload some of the emotional baggage that he's been carrying. I needed to do the same. I feel renewed. Hope he does too.

Bring on summer!

SCHWING!!!!!!

first off, happy st. patty's day - one of my favorite holidays. certainly better than the other "Saint" holiday. Hope you all have fun tonight wherever you are!

Random ramble:

Just heard Bohemian Rhapsody. Love that song.

"If you're gonna spew, spew in this!"

Party on.

ADVICE: FULLY DRESS PRIOR TO LEAVING FOR WORK

Its almost 11am. I just realized my tie was REALLY F*cked up and nobody has bothered to tell me. Do you think they noticed? OF COURSE THEY DID!!!! AND they've been at the watercooler, on the smoking patio, in the restroom and on interoffice IM talking about it. I'm sure of it! I'M NOT PARANOID!!!!

Oh well, at least I can laugh at myself... even if it is a Monday.

FYI - I was running late this morning because Scruffs was procrastinating on doing the business that dog's are supposed to do on a morning walk. To make up time, I decided I'd put on my tie in the car on the way. Not recommended. I'm really not even sure what I did. I never realized how dependent on a mirror I am for the slightest of tasks.

EVERYTHING THATS WRONG IN THE WORLD

READ THIS ARTICLE ABOUT PEOPLE E-SNOOPING ON THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

I've always said jealousy is a waisted emotion. I'm not saying I'm immune, just that I try to avoid it as much as possible. Same with anger. If you can't trust the person you have a commited relationship with, why are you with them? Does one's jealousy and eventual anger really go this far? I say its a pretty big sign of low self-respect.

This kind of thing is exactly why I have issues with women when it comes to relationships.

If I'm in a commited relationship, there is nothing to hide. I would be the guy in that article who made a comment to his buddy in an e-mail and his hacking girlfriend was hurt by it. Not because the comment was really a big deal, but because sometimes we hear or read things about ourselves that can be a little demoralizing - thats just a fact of life. The poor guy was all of the sudden having to do some quick stepping and explaining because SHE violated HIS privacy. WTF?

At the end of the day, as the author Sharyn Wolf said, “When you snoop, you will always find something. You snoop to confirm something. It will always be there.”

FACT? OR FICTION?

Have you seen this week's POSTSECRET??

The first new one is very difficult to believe. At least I think so. I mean, if one wanted to disappear without a trace (and we've all fantasized about this before) would you really be able to make that kind of a split second decision during a catastrophic event? Could you really remain in seclusion while you watch people display their heartbroken agony, knowing your loved ones are feeling an endless pain?

On the other hand, I'm told there are extremely lonely people out there without a trace of a loved one. Perhaps this person only went to work where he/she was practically alone and anonymous - then went home to a meager existence each night and immersed themself in books or TV. Other than a body count, they are practically unmissed and know it.

The third and most likely scenario is that it is contrived and most disturbing, in a way. If it is false, someone is taking great pleasure in stating something specifically designed to deceive. Additionally, it abuses a system/forum for which people can freely experience some emotional cleansing, if they so need.

I don't know. But any way you look at it, its incredibly sad for someone.

IT MUST BE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN WATER

Tijuana has the "Donkey Show". Apparently, GRAND JUNCTION has the "Doggie Show".

Thats just really twisted....

ASSHAT

I've noticed this word being used more and more. I think I first heard it in an American Pie movie.

I pause to ponder:

Where does one buy a hat made of ass, and does it smell? And can you get it in different colors?

FANTASTERBATED

New word.

At lunch with the guys, someone made a comment about a girl in the office making out with one of her friends (another female)the other night. "Did you know that? Did I tell you that already?" he says. To which the other replies driely, "No, but I've Fantasterbated it."


What can I say, we're guys.

PLUG FOR THE ALMOST FAMOUS

Just a quick plug for some really talented writers on a new webzine SUBTER.COM. I haven't gotten through all the different articles yet, but check out LISSA ANN and either or both of two articles by ROBYN CHARLES. Also check out the fiction story by REBECCA RICE WAINWRIGHT. Good times.

ALWAYS AMAZED

My buddy George amazes me. Most of the time, we can read each other's minds and other times, its sheer polar opposites. Mostly, its communication in a state of confusion. I remember a time back when we were still firefighters - He was the on-duty shift commander and I was the Lieut. on the ladder truck. We had a "job":

(George)"315 on Scene, 315 has command"
(dispatch)"Clear. 315 has command."
(George,AKA 315)"315 to truck 126, 1020 and OIC" (whats your eta and who is the officer in charge?)
(Me- AKA 360) "126,315 - 2 minutes. 360 is OIC"
"Clear. Need you to catch a hydrant and supply Engine 1"
"Thats clear. Wilco."
(1 minute passes)
"315 to 360 - Disregard my last. Get your crew ready - you are assigned RIT"
RIT is Rapid Intervention Team. My favorite job on a fireground because the whole point is if there is a major problem i.e. someone trapped inside, you are the badass team that is assigned to fix it.

I give my crew the "thumbs-up" and they high-five each other as they gear up.
"360, 315 - Thats clear. 126 has RIT."

(2nd minute and we are pulling on scene)

"126 on location."
"315 to 360 - Standby."
"126 standing by."

1 minute later

"315,360 - report to sector 3 for overhaul" (this means: the fire is out - you don't get to do shit except clean up the shit another crew got to tear up.)
"360,315 - What the Fuck? Over."

Don't loose faith in your 911 system just yet - this confusion is typical - but we always got the job done - which is the important part.

Why do I give this account? Because its a typical conversation between myself and George.

Last night at 1830 we were offered 4 tickets and backstage passes to the Alan Jackson concert at the HOUSTON RODEO which is undeniably the largest(two week long) event in Houston all year. Subsequently we had the following exchange:

(George) "What do you think? You wanna go?"
(Me) "Yeah, why not."
"What do we do with the extra tix?"
"I dunno - start calling people."

(10 minutes go by)

(George) "Kim and Christy are going with us."
"Okay - thats fine. When are we leaving?"
"I'll be over in 10."

(Five minutes go by)

(George) "Change of plans - Jackie and Julie are coming with us."
"OOOOKAYYY?!?!"
"I'm on my way"

(nuther 10 go by)

(George) "Alright, change again... Remember the 19 year olds from the other night? They are coming with us instead....."

"360 to 315, What the fuck? Over."

MY RANT ABOUT TEXTING

Sorry I didn't get to post any more foolish, juvenile thoughts about pranks yesterday - I promise I'll get back to them eventually.

"The best part about 19 year olds is that every year, they get one year younger than us!" Says my brilliant, but askew buddy George.

As with normal Mondays, we shuffled down to the bar for happy-hour after a long and grueling day of work. In the midst of our discussions about firetrucks, baseball and notreallyofficegossip, the hostess (who we know well after all this time) asks if its alright to give these girls sitting in the corner my number so they can "text" me.

I'll say right now very simply, I don't text. I went so far as to shut the option off of my phone after continually recieving 25-30 a day, despite my failure to respond to any of them. I'm sorry, I don't see the point, so I told her to give them George's number - he likes the attention anyway:

"How R U?"
"Fine. Who R U?"
"I'm *****, ***** is next to me (blond)"
"You look young, how old R U"
"19"
"College?"
"SHSU - what bout U? Names?"
"Im George, Brian next to me"
"Age?"
"Old"
"Don't B shy"
"Young enough to be a kid, old enough to enjoy it"
"No really"
"30 both of us"
"Wow! U don't look it" (How does a 30 year old look,Bi-atch? Sensitive, I know)
"Thanks"
"Wanna hang out? We are going to BW3"
"Maybe we'll see you there"

Total elapsed time: 10min, 36sec.

Okay, I really don't know the exact time, but I know I'm close

In less than two minutes concurrently, I had a phone conversation with a friend which contained at least 8 times the amount of dialogue and 20 times the content. Now, I'm no efficiency expert, Bob, but it doesn't take a genius.

Besides, if you want to meet me, don't hide behind the LCD display when you are a mere 20 feet away! Pull up your diapers!

Needless to say, George left a little mad because I wouldn't go to B-Dub's to be his "wingman" (if you know BW3 - thats kind of freakin' punny). I'm not really sure why I was opposed to it - maybe I've just got a girl on the brain. Or maybe I was happy sitting in my assigned barstool drinking my assigned beer, thinking about firetrucks, baseball and notreallyofficegossip. George usually leaves the bar a little mad anyway.