MUCH NEEDED VACATION

If anyone needs me,

THIS

is where I'll be until early next week...

Much needed R&R!!!!

Adios!

REFLECTION

"Brian, what's up with you today? You're kind of being a 'glass half-empty guy'."

"Dude, my glass isn't half-empty, or half-full - it has a damn hole in it!"

DID I LEAVE TEXAS JUST IN TIME?

While I love and miss Texas tremendously, I don't miss some of the stupid things that state officials come up with.

THIS ARTICLE Talks about how a new sting operation is underway. The target: People drunk INSIDE the bar. I have no doubt, had this been going on while I lived in Houston, I'd be wearing the latest fashion in prison attire. I don't care if Martha Stewart designed it either, I don't look so good in orange.

The main objective, according to the article, is to prevent drunk people from driving. As the late Barney Fife would say, "Nip it in the bud". Sounds to me like a pretty logical allocation of state resources...much better than, say, improving the available transportation options home from bars.

Of course it's mentioned that this also serves to prevent people from doing other stupid things like "jump off of balconies trying to reach a swimming pool and miss.” Now I'm not familiar with too many bars which feature an available swimming pool in which to jump from a balcony. This would lead me to assume people are doing this privately, where they are most likely also doing the drinking.

Next on the agenda for state authorities? A sting operation targeting buffet restaurants: Arresting those who go back for seconds, to prevent people from health risks associated with obesity. If they die from being unhealthy, its suicide - which is illegal. And, after all, Texas IS the "fattest state". They feel it's a good "pre-emptive strategy".

MENTAL HOSPITAL ANSWERING RECORDING

Saw this this morning, laughed. Hard.



If you are obsessive-compulsive please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional we know who you are and what you want.

Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive please hold.

BEST ONE-LINER FROM TV LAST NIGHT

"Dude, do you want to be right? Or do you want to get laid?"
-Jason on Four Kings regarding Ben's criticism of prospective girlfriend's writing.

THE TV WORLD ACCORDING TO BRIAN

The current book I'm reading got really boring really fast, which means I'm not motivated to pick it up and read. This presents a major problem because I'm rather manic about finishing a book prior to picking up another. I think it stems from when I was 3 years old and I was taught that I was not allowed to have dessert until I finished my dinner (which I'm actually convinced was a conspiracy: There really wasn't any dessert, but they knew that if I finished my food I would no longer be hungry and able to eat dessert. This was true, so I don't really know for sure. Either way, I still don't eat dessert unless I finish my meal. Crazy. I digress.). Becuase I'm unmotivated to stick the book out right now, I've been catching up on some of my favorite shows. I figured I'd write down my random thoughts.

The Sopranos - Getthafuckoudaheah!! It's about time you came back so that I can resume my routine of ordering take-out Italian food and sitting my happy ass down to watch 55 minutes of pure paranoia. Also, thank you for allowing me an opportunity to stop wondering why I put a halt on "Naked Sundays" with whatshername, which was the void filler of your hiatus.

The L Word - Why am I fascinated by lesbians? Not all or even most of them (especially the ones who are more masculine than I am), but these in particular. These chics are a staple to my Sunday night viewing. However, whoever's "brilliant" idea it was to kill off Dana - I'm coming after you, you misserable excuse for a writer!! After the episode there was this ridiculous documentary diatribe on breast cancer and how they decided to kill Dana and how everyone felt about it. Fuck off!! I don't buy any of it! My mom had breast cancer and I've known many women who have had it. I've donated thousands of dollars to the cause. I don't need one of my favorite fictional characters knocked off just so you bitches can "bring home a point". I'm pissed.

The War at Home - Dave, you are truely a Man's Man! King of the Castle! Blissfully clueless! In charge of things... until the wife differs. But you put up a good fight, and that's what counts. I'm not sure you have great ratings right now, but you're a great show and you have my loyal following.

Grey's Anatomy - I liked you even before you were popular. Not only because it's a good show, but really I started watching because you are the hot, cool chick from Old School. Note to Izzie: You're an idiot for getting emotionally attached to your patient. That's rule #1. Note to George: Dude, props for getting the attention of the (new character) doctor chic - she's sexy. Note to Sheppard: Hurry up and make things work with the wife. She's got her shit together and she knows what she wants. Grey is still taking advice from Allie McBeal, which is not a good thing. Note to Grey: I'm glad you still have my number and feel fine with drunken texting me, but you really need to call if you want to hook-up. That's all.

Las Vegas - You suck. I'm pissed that you've moved to Friday. Someone should get fired for that.

Love Monkey - OOPPS!!! Sorry! That was cancelled. That's right!!! CANCELLED!!! Fuck you CBS!!!! I guess you are a bunch of MONKIES with no LOVE for me!!!! You ALL should be fired!

Scrubs - I've always liked you, but lately it's just not that funny. J.D.: The over-acting is killing things. Calm down a little. Otherwise, keep up the good work. And can we finally get a naked scene with Elliot??? Everyone's doing it these days...

Boston Legal - This show would be shit without Capt. Kirk and the Asshole from Less than Zero (AKA Wlm. Shatner and Jms. Spader). You guys carry this show. Everyone should have a little patio outside their offices where they can sit, reflect and sip on scotch while smoking a cigar at the end of everyday.

NBC on Thursdays - Finally, you guys have a decent line-up for Thursday night viewing. Four Kings will continue to be great, particularly if you continue to filter models through the episodes. Earl: it's all about the Karma, man! The Office: People either love or hate this show. I wasn't impressed at first, because I liked the original British version much better. However, It's grown on me now. I especially like the Celebrity playlists done by the characters for iTunes. Brilliant! Note to Jim: Grow a nut you pussy!

That's about all I've got. As you can see, I really need to finish that damn book. Or, feel free to call in someone with a straight jacket who will send me to the funny farm. But just make sure they take me to a good one. You know, like the ones they send all the celebrities to. I'm gonna need good food and good drugs. I mean - a guy's gotta have his standards, right?

MMMM! FREE BEER!

THIS would not suck!!!

NEW DISCOVERIES

It seems lately that there have been many new creatures being discovered here on earth which to me is really exciting. For instance, check out this "HAIRY LOBSTER". And although I don't have the links handy, one researcher just discovered a new species of shark off the coast of Mexico and a group of researchers just discovered hundreds of new species of plants and animals in an area of South America that is largely untraveled. Although I've always been much more fascinated with anthropology, I still think it would be fascinating to be involved with one of these groups of new discoverers.

One thing always stands out with me though (And maybe this is the primate in me). If I came across any new species, my first questions would revolve around how it benefits the world. Like: Is it poisonous? How does it taste? Is it better with BBQ sauce, garlic butter, cocktail sauce or ranch dressing? Does it eat mosquitos and other annoying pests? Can you wear it as a hat? (thats for you Jessica) Could it or its by-products be used as an alternative fuel? Would it get along with my dog? Would it make a good piece of decorum? All important things to ponder. Other than those things, I don't really care if it filter feeds and has regenerating kidney-like organs. This is precisely why I would be a miserable failure as a scientist.

POP QUIZ

Had I been forced to take THIS QUIZ on Monday morning, I would have failed miserably...

How did you do?

STEPFORD CHEERLEADER

I saw on the news on Monday the clips of the cheerleader in New York who injured her neck when she fell from a pyramid. I'm not really sure there could be a bigger fear for a cheerleader. Now I've played a lot of sports in my day, however, I've never had the sack to try backflips or any of the other super-human things that gymnists and cheerleaders do on a daily basis. In fact, when I ski-raced, I was always envious of my buddies who were freestyle skiers. While I was training on a course, they were training on giant jumps doing frontflips, backflips and twists - not to mention frontflips and backflips WITH twists. My hats off to anyone who has ever tried these marvels of nature.

Having said that, did anyone else find it mildly disturbing that she continued her routine while strapped down to a gurney like a robot? Just a little freaky, that's all I'm saying. Is there a real life Stepford??

PARTIED OUT

Giant party at the loft (yeah,it's finally finished). Over 200 people. I aged 10 years that night. Still feeling the hangover blues ("post-party depression"), but I'll find something to write about soon - possibly even this afternoon....

(Why do I do this to myself??) I'll grow up one of these days.

ONLY PART OF THE TIME!!!!! I SWEAR!

Nothing says "pick me up!" like a bouquet of flowers from FTD. Or a positive assessment from Quizilla. A real self esteem booster - glad I was in need of one...




FIRE!


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