THE TV WORLD ACCORDING TO BRIAN

The current book I'm reading got really boring really fast, which means I'm not motivated to pick it up and read. This presents a major problem because I'm rather manic about finishing a book prior to picking up another. I think it stems from when I was 3 years old and I was taught that I was not allowed to have dessert until I finished my dinner (which I'm actually convinced was a conspiracy: There really wasn't any dessert, but they knew that if I finished my food I would no longer be hungry and able to eat dessert. This was true, so I don't really know for sure. Either way, I still don't eat dessert unless I finish my meal. Crazy. I digress.). Becuase I'm unmotivated to stick the book out right now, I've been catching up on some of my favorite shows. I figured I'd write down my random thoughts.

The Sopranos - Getthafuckoudaheah!! It's about time you came back so that I can resume my routine of ordering take-out Italian food and sitting my happy ass down to watch 55 minutes of pure paranoia. Also, thank you for allowing me an opportunity to stop wondering why I put a halt on "Naked Sundays" with whatshername, which was the void filler of your hiatus.

The L Word - Why am I fascinated by lesbians? Not all or even most of them (especially the ones who are more masculine than I am), but these in particular. These chics are a staple to my Sunday night viewing. However, whoever's "brilliant" idea it was to kill off Dana - I'm coming after you, you misserable excuse for a writer!! After the episode there was this ridiculous documentary diatribe on breast cancer and how they decided to kill Dana and how everyone felt about it. Fuck off!! I don't buy any of it! My mom had breast cancer and I've known many women who have had it. I've donated thousands of dollars to the cause. I don't need one of my favorite fictional characters knocked off just so you bitches can "bring home a point". I'm pissed.

The War at Home - Dave, you are truely a Man's Man! King of the Castle! Blissfully clueless! In charge of things... until the wife differs. But you put up a good fight, and that's what counts. I'm not sure you have great ratings right now, but you're a great show and you have my loyal following.

Grey's Anatomy - I liked you even before you were popular. Not only because it's a good show, but really I started watching because you are the hot, cool chick from Old School. Note to Izzie: You're an idiot for getting emotionally attached to your patient. That's rule #1. Note to George: Dude, props for getting the attention of the (new character) doctor chic - she's sexy. Note to Sheppard: Hurry up and make things work with the wife. She's got her shit together and she knows what she wants. Grey is still taking advice from Allie McBeal, which is not a good thing. Note to Grey: I'm glad you still have my number and feel fine with drunken texting me, but you really need to call if you want to hook-up. That's all.

Las Vegas - You suck. I'm pissed that you've moved to Friday. Someone should get fired for that.

Love Monkey - OOPPS!!! Sorry! That was cancelled. That's right!!! CANCELLED!!! Fuck you CBS!!!! I guess you are a bunch of MONKIES with no LOVE for me!!!! You ALL should be fired!

Scrubs - I've always liked you, but lately it's just not that funny. J.D.: The over-acting is killing things. Calm down a little. Otherwise, keep up the good work. And can we finally get a naked scene with Elliot??? Everyone's doing it these days...

Boston Legal - This show would be shit without Capt. Kirk and the Asshole from Less than Zero (AKA Wlm. Shatner and Jms. Spader). You guys carry this show. Everyone should have a little patio outside their offices where they can sit, reflect and sip on scotch while smoking a cigar at the end of everyday.

NBC on Thursdays - Finally, you guys have a decent line-up for Thursday night viewing. Four Kings will continue to be great, particularly if you continue to filter models through the episodes. Earl: it's all about the Karma, man! The Office: People either love or hate this show. I wasn't impressed at first, because I liked the original British version much better. However, It's grown on me now. I especially like the Celebrity playlists done by the characters for iTunes. Brilliant! Note to Jim: Grow a nut you pussy!

That's about all I've got. As you can see, I really need to finish that damn book. Or, feel free to call in someone with a straight jacket who will send me to the funny farm. But just make sure they take me to a good one. You know, like the ones they send all the celebrities to. I'm gonna need good food and good drugs. I mean - a guy's gotta have his standards, right?