Thursday, August 24, 2006


I get frustrated when bloggers who's sites I like to visit don't update daily....

Seriously though, I think about things to write every single day. Then I get dissuaded by my own ego and sense of responsibility to others' feelings. Or perhaps it's just my paranoia. I remember a time on here where I felt pretty free to write whatever was on my mind. In recent months (maybe longer) I've felt like I must censor myself, which makes it difficult to fully express myself. Also, I've always tried to keep things pretty lighthearted here - so I might rant sometimes, but really about nothing. Anyhow, to try and get back to some roots - here are some things I've been pondering:

In recent introspection I realized that one of my biggest issues is that I often have a hard time holding my tongue when something is really bothering me. I don't hold things inside usually and I don't explode and yell - ever (except as a last resort). Really, what I do can be much worse. My eyes get icy, my body language cold and my voice timbre changes to intimidate. Everyone I know that's been on the recieving end of that says they'd rather I just yell. But that's not me. Somewhere along the way - perhaps from my mother - I developed this way of making someone who has wronged me feel like an intruder in a lion's den. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Not too long ago, after a few years of guarding myself and generally keeping all women at arm's length or more, I actually started opening up to one (as much as I possibly can - which is in very small doses). I've been told by many people - mostly women- that if I'm ever going to even attempt to be in a healthy relationship, I need to begin the relationship being really upfront and honest. So I was (as much as I'm currently capable). I think I really hurt her feelings. Bad. I also think that it raised some red-flags for her. Understandably so. So much for being proactively upfront and honest. Oh well, I still think I'm growing in this area every day. Someday I might even be able to have a real grown-up relationship. Someday.

On a positive note: I've spent a great portion of the summer enjoying the simpler things and feel generally pretty high on life. Reading, sunshine, food, wine, beer, beach, friends, baseball, etc . I go through phases where I lose sight of what really makes me happy and what's important. It's nice to reset the brain on what life is really all about. Now if I could just figure out quantum physics - I'd rule the world...

[ed note: The writer often exaggerates for dramatic effect.]