IF YOU DARE...........

Earnest Hemingway once said something along the lines of, "You should always do sober what you said you would do when you were drunk. That'll teach you to keep your mouth shut."

Friday after work, the guys and I were discussing off-the-wall things we have either done or have thought would be funny to do (trans: haven't had the nutsack to do). What can I say, we come up with some funky topics to discuss, but its better than talking about work.

I don't have time to list them all right this second, so maybe as I get time throughout the day i'll post others. I'll start with one, which I cannot claim as my own.

Also, if you have any crazy ideas you've done or thought of doing - stop being a loser lurker and throw it down!!!!!!!!!!!!

#1 (never done, to my knowledge)

Some evening during peak dinner hours, dress up in business attire (unless you already are)and walk briskly and confidently into the local chain, full service restaurant (like Chili's, Outback, Olive Garden or, enter other overpriced,overhyped waytoohappytobetherewaitress dining establishment here) and ask for the GM. A little pre-research to that person's name would help for effect, but that could be improvised. Explain to the GM that you are from "corporate" and were sent to relieve them of their duties. Ask for their store keys, POS ID badge and tell them they may return the next day to turn in their uniforms and nametag. Offer your "best wishes in their future endeavors" and send them on their way. Subtly and quietly, but immediately leave the establishment, never to return - oh yeah, this isn't one to pull in your hometown or anywhere near it.

Twisted, isn't that? Yeah, I know, we're pretty mature - but it would make a great setup for a Candid Camera skit! Okay, the thought was a hell of a lot more funny at the bar on Friday than when I just re-read it, but I still laugh at the thought.......

One of the best movies ever was Fletch. "Can I borrow your towel? My jeep just hit a waterbuffalo."

SICKLY VOYUERISTIC OF ME

I'm pretty slow, so most people have probably already seen this badass site before me- its really addicting in a weird sort of way. Very cool though!

POSTSECRET

WORDS OF WISDOM

If you aren't the CEO of a company, you have a boss. If you have a boss or several bosses, you probably have co-workers. If you have a boss and co-workers, you have office politics. Sure, all companies like to put in the policy and procedure manual that "There is no room for politics in the workplace.", we all know this to be complete BS as everything is about politics. Anyhow, I've found the following to be as true as it gets...

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While the bird was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon, began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and
came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

ONTO OTHER THINGS..........

READ:SEX SCANDAL AT MILTON ACADEMY

I have been thinking a lot about the poor woman in Dallas/Ft.Worth who was brutally murdered along with her seven year old and unborn baby, but I figured I've posted enough depressing news for one week. So, I'll turn to one of everyone's favorite subjects, SEX. If you didn't read the above article, its about some students at Milton Academy who have been expelled. Apparently, some members of the hockey team were "orally gratified" by a 15 year old (female) student.

I've got several (some conflicting) thoughts on this. Firstly, I'm baffled by the scene altogether: How are kids that age sexually savvy enough to stage such an incident? I really shouldn't be surprised, I guess. Second, I highly doubt there was much coercion required to get this girl to do this, although I don't really know for sure, having not been involved. If she was willing, should these guys be charged with anything? I don't think so, but Massachusetts law may have something
different to say about that. I do think that if she was like that girl that we all knew in school who was kind of like the village bicycle, these guys shouldn't have to spend the rest of there lives as registered sex offenders because they had normal teenage hormones (assuming they didn't force her in any way). These laws are meant for prosecuting people who have serious problems with sex and intimacy - the sickos. Either way, these boys are in a lot of trouble!

FIRST THING IS FIRST

Vodka


?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Got this from Lissa Ann's pirate of Bubblehead's. Not sure how accurate it is - maybe sometimes I guess..........

WHAT DRINK ARE YOU??????

SAD DAY FOR THE COMMUNITY

READ: HOUSTON FIREFIGHTER KILLED IN BLAZE


As a former Firefighter, this type of incident always leaves me at a loss for words. In the last 5 years Houston Fire Department has lost 4 FFs at 3 different incidents and all of them are hard to swallow. This one, so far the hardest because of the circumstances and for me because he was a valued member of my suburban community.

In the past, the unions have siezed these opportunities to criticize the administration and rally for their agenda. Once, I thought it was justified. I hope that this doesn't become such a political circus as in the past. This man deserves more respect.

READ: PRESS ACCOUNT OF INCIDENT

And...............JUSTICE WILL BE SERVED, although it won't bring back the father of three small children.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Outside my office sit 21 Texas-born women. I'm convinced few of them have ever lived outside of the industrial end of Houston and even fewer have been anywhere else, besides perhaps a week in Puerta Vallarta or Cancun or (insert cliche cheap tropical vacation here). All of these folks claim to have "gradumatated" High School, but they refuse to stop trying to jam "Y'all" into 1 sentence as many times as possible. Sure, this is actually kind of charming in a downhome sort of way, but as the esteemed gentle-ladie from Colorado says, its SO Whisky Tango! ( abbv. for White Trash, if your not in the know) When I heard the following quote earlier, I thought of them:

You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think…

I do understand I'm going to hell for writing that. I'm actually not such an elitest. Really. Most of these gals are really nice, and work hard despite the hee-haw scene. Its just fun to crack on them a little "hr and thr".

Y'all come back now, Y'all hear?

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

Life can truely be ironic. Sometimes playing with your hairy little buddy can get you in the can. Kind of like with THIS GUY



If you are questioning my choice of words above, please refer to previous post

WITH MALICE OF FORETHOUGHT

Sometimes, you just have to believe that writers and editors purposely
create headlines using generative semantics, just like THIS ONE.

Here's a quick lesson of how to stay happily married...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple."

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment ... we have lived happily ever after."

MY NON-VALENTINES DAY POST

Occasionally, despite the sheer stupidity that comes with teen years, kids can really surprise and even inspire me. A co-worker shared an excerpt from a writing project that her 14 year old daughter wrote and I found it metaphorically inspirational enough to put up in my office. I decided to share it here too:

"James, did you feed Koneko?"
"Yeah!"
"Beth, could you throw a load of laundry in for me before I get back?"
"Sure! Hey, where's Rob?"
"He's in my room playing X-box!"
"Oh, Okay! I'm gonna draw for a while, okay?"

The session of calling from room to room ends, and I walk in my room and close the door, sinking to the floor in my favorite spot against the bed to draw. A few pencil sketches are set out in front of me, ready to be traced over in art pens.

Some people think it's odd that most of my artwork is in black ink. Most other artists use watercolors or markers, and, okay, I do use colored pencil sometimes, but ink is my medium. The way the black stuff flows out of the tip to form a perfect dark line, and how I can vary the pressure to make that line thicker or thinner...it's enjoyable. I like the results.

Another thing about ink is that it can't be erased. You just have to trust your hand not to make a wrong mark or spill the stuff all over the place. Any mistakes made become part of the picture - you just have to work around it. Sometimes you have to start all over, and sometimes it makes the drawing better than you intended. That's just the way it goes.

I smile and start to draw.

FRIDAY JOKE

I've got nothin' yet today, so how 'bout a joke?

Q: How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Lets go ride bikes

JEFF STRYKER'S REVENGE

Luckily, I've only been in a couple of court rooms and never
for anything more than a minor traffic infraction. But I think
I would hit the floor laughing if I witnessed THIS DEBACLE.

Seriously, how much of a sex addict do you have to be to use a peter pump in court? I don't know what's more disturbing, the pimp juice all over, or the fact that he got it "from a hunting buddy". My hunting buddies and I stick with talking about our rifles, but never our guns.

THROW ME OVERBOARD

I'm not looking to die soon, but you just never know when
you wake up in the morning what the day is going to bring.
A lady I work with had taken yesterday off deliberately because
she was having a Super Bowl party and new she'd need a day
to recuperate. When I saw her this morning, I asked her how it went.
She said it was a disaster! Apparently her 22 year old nephew
had an aneurysm suddenly early sunday morning and passed away! Depressing,
I know. But the point is, your time could be up at any moment.
Unfortunately, lately there have been several published reports about
funeral homes such as THIS ONE which
are making some pretty big screw ups. To save my family the risk, If I should
pass on suddenly - throw me on the first ship out and commit me to
the fishes...

In the meantime, I'll be celebrating Mardi Gras and a (so far) good week
that I'm counting on getting even better by Friday!

THE ORIGINAL AMERICAN PIE

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY CRAZY Ellen DegenerATE is having a contest to find Tara Reid a date. Guys over 18 are being asked to send in a tape to her show to screen for Tara's "Dream Guy". Poor bastards who actually would send in a tape should be exiled along with the reality TV losers who have sucked their 15 minutes dry, and then some. This is going to be a circus. In the mean time, you can catch Tara in all different levels of consciousness down on Sunset, usually making out with the latest Calvin Klein kid -certainly not the same one that she'll wake up to the next morning.

Second thought, I really think my buddy, Shaggy, should send in a tape. I'll go get the camcorder warmed up!

HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was originally green.

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It is impossible to lick your elbow.

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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

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The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

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The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock andCharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?

A. Obsession

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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?

A. One thousand

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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?

A. All invented by women.

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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which we know today as the honeymoon.

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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

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Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired

by this practice.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow