FOOD POISONING

Yeah. Not so fun.

'Nuff said.

BACK TO REALITY?

You missed me, didn't you! Don't deny it! I know you did!

Okay, so its really not that uncommon for me to not post for a week at a time, but it FEELS like I've been gone a while. I really didn't drink much on my trip, which I'm thinking is why it felt like an eternity. I'm not complaining - it was a great trip and I felt like I accomplished a lot thats been looming over my head for a long time.

Just one little rant - because they're fun and that's what I do.

For various reasons, I had several different legs of my flights, 8 in all. This means that I had 8 different experiences with sitting by people. 2 were uneventful because I had an empty seat next to me, which is always ideal. Other than that, I had (1) fat guy, sitting in the middle seat, taking up a third, to a half of the seats on either side of him. (1) That Guy, who isn't big, but pretends he is, thereby sprawling out so that he takes up a third to a half of either seat next to him. (1) little old lady who after a 51 minute flight, thinks that I really need to marry her grand-daughter. (1) little old guy who was on a late night mission to Reno because he felt lucky and couldn't pass on hitting the "big" casinos that Reno has to offer. (1) Techy who got out his portable DVD player and frantically fumbled with it to be able to watch the most of "Sin City" that he could in the 12 1/2 minutes they allow you to use "approved portable devices listed on the back page of the 'Sky' magazine". (1) Middle aged lady with dragon coffee breath who wouldn't stop talking straight at me. Lady! 1982 called. They want you to bury the 'do - immediately! They also want you to invest in Orbit gum, which they say can be done at any concourse kiosk.

I'm not the kind of guy who likes to talk to people on planes. At the same time, I'm not the guy who can tell people to back the fuck off. Afterall, sometimes people need to talk to ease their stress of flying. Also, you never know what they have been through - eventhough you may know it by the end of the flight. Having said all that, since I was flying Southwest and people can pick their own seats, I like it when a cute girl chooses to sit by me. I'm kind of partial to window seats and rarely sit anywhere else. Said cute girls never sit down directly next to me, but in the isle seat. The problem? Inevitably, some douchepump will sit down between us despite the plethora of empty seats throughout the plane. Nobody wins in this situation, except the fucktard who's taking up a third to a half of the seats on either side of him.

A few tactics I do to avoid people on planes:
1) Pretend I'm sleeping. Then, there are always the people who nail you in the face with their jacket or something that clearly proves that you are either awake already, or are awake now.
2) Pretend to be listening to my iPod. This used to not be a problem until the little flight attendants started coming around like Nazis making sure that the "Approved portable devices found on the back page of 'Sky' magazine" are not in use. This means having to take out the earphones.
3) Get the George Costanza busy/concerned/stressed look on my face. This is often the best course of action because it makes everyone else, including the flight attendants, a little edgy. I know, I'm a sick man.
4)Fake twitching. A real crowd pleaser! Especially if accompanied by some vocal frosting mimicking a Turet's outburst. *shoulder twitch* "Yeah, I totally agree! FILTHY WHORE!!" *head snap* "BALLLLLLLLLLLLICKER!!!!

HAPPY BLOW-OFF WEEK!!!

I'm not convinced much gets done by anyone this week. Seems like once Christmas parties have taken place, everyone goes into professional hibernation mode until after New Year's day.

In lieu of this, I'm leaving for Washington for the week to visit some folks. Hope you all have a great Christmas and that santa is good to you.

I'll leave you with this festive poem, which highlights an important upcoming event....

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THE ROSE BOWL

Twas the night of the Rose Bowl and all through the land,
All the Longhorns were stirring, even the band.
The tickets were purchased for the game, room, and air
In hopes that Saint Vincent would soon be there!!
The fans were tailgating from their truck beds,
While a vision of a championship danced in their heads.
And Bevo in his bridle, and me in my cap|
Had just popped a cold one before the first snap.
When out on the turf there arose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter!!
My eyes fixed on the tunnel, and the thundering herd;
The roar of the fight song; I sang every word!!
They ran to the end zone, and knelt to their maker
Giving thanks for TEXAS, and the victory later!!
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear.
Coach Mack in his glory, THE HEAD COACH OF THE YEAR!
And our hero from Houston that I haven't seen since;
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Vince!
More rapid than eagles his posse they came
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name!
Now, THOMAS! Now, TAYLOR! Now, PITTMAN and SWEED!
On, CHARLES! On, GRIFFIN! ROSS, HUFF and McGEE!
To the top of the world for a championship crown!
Now dash away, dash away, to a TEXAS touchdown!
They fought with fury! They fought with might!
They fought like champions on this championship night!
Oh! The bombs they flew, and the holes blew open
The Longhorns ran the ball just as we were hopin'.
The defense attacked, and oh, they played hard!
Stopping the Trojans, in their own back yard!
Macks eyes how they twinkled, his dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, the crystal ball he did carry!
He embraced his coaches, he embraced his team!
And The Eyes of TEXAS we all did sing
A season that will live forever in lore;
COME EARLY, WEAR ORANGE, STAY LATE, once more!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, TEXAS!! HOOK 'EM HORNS

YOU'LL SHOOT YOUR EYE OUT!

STUPIFIED

Either Jesse Jackson has found the key to quantum physics, has an identical twin - or someone's facts are just plain wrong.

Last night, it is reported that he was two places at one time, on opposite coasts.

Was he at Terrell Owens' birthday bash?

or

Was he protesting Tookie Williams' execution?

You be the judge, but I do find it funny that many of the celebs that were politicking for Tookie Williams felt that attending a birthday party in New York for a volitile, cocky, egocentric, spurned athelete was a more important cause to attend.

Are these people serious?

I'm just sayin'.

As for Jesse Jackson, I don't care if you are liberal or conservative- this wannabe MLK hasn't really done a whole lot of people any favors. He's no MLK and never will be because he's all agenda and no heart.

My bet is that he was in NY. But that's just me.

DEFINITION OF ASSHOLE #90

Asshole. n. 90) One who, when in a group dinner setting, orders 4 appetizers, the most expensive entree and copious amounts of alcohol just before suggesting that the check should be split evenly.

I'm not cheap, I really don't mind spending some good money on food and drink at a nice restaurant with friends. It's not about the money, this shit just bothers me because of the lack of respect and consideration for the others at the table.

So why #90? Because this happened last night in a group and despite the fact that most people had no more than $35 worth of food and drink, everyone ended up shelling out $90. Again, its not the money, just the concept.

That's all I got.

I'll lick my wounds, can you pass the salt?

As if many people this time of year don't feel a little on the lonely side, THIS report comes out - just to give them another kick in the stomach. Good times.

Mmmm! RUM!

I'm pirating this from Ricky's site because its just too funny not to:

TRUE (NON)FORTUNE

Your Fortune Is

Underwear is not the best thing on earth - but next to it.

The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

So its not really a fortune, but more a statement of fact. I've noticed that within the last few years, "Fortune" cookies have become "statement" cookies. What happened to the good old days when your fortune said something positive like "Soon you will find great wealth"? Enough ranting though, at least the statement is true.