Tuesday, December 27, 2005


You missed me, didn't you! Don't deny it! I know you did!

Okay, so its really not that uncommon for me to not post for a week at a time, but it FEELS like I've been gone a while. I really didn't drink much on my trip, which I'm thinking is why it felt like an eternity. I'm not complaining - it was a great trip and I felt like I accomplished a lot thats been looming over my head for a long time.

Just one little rant - because they're fun and that's what I do.

For various reasons, I had several different legs of my flights, 8 in all. This means that I had 8 different experiences with sitting by people. 2 were uneventful because I had an empty seat next to me, which is always ideal. Other than that, I had (1) fat guy, sitting in the middle seat, taking up a third, to a half of the seats on either side of him. (1) That Guy, who isn't big, but pretends he is, thereby sprawling out so that he takes up a third to a half of either seat next to him. (1) little old lady who after a 51 minute flight, thinks that I really need to marry her grand-daughter. (1) little old guy who was on a late night mission to Reno because he felt lucky and couldn't pass on hitting the "big" casinos that Reno has to offer. (1) Techy who got out his portable DVD player and frantically fumbled with it to be able to watch the most of "Sin City" that he could in the 12 1/2 minutes they allow you to use "approved portable devices listed on the back page of the 'Sky' magazine". (1) Middle aged lady with dragon coffee breath who wouldn't stop talking straight at me. Lady! 1982 called. They want you to bury the 'do - immediately! They also want you to invest in Orbit gum, which they say can be done at any concourse kiosk.

I'm not the kind of guy who likes to talk to people on planes. At the same time, I'm not the guy who can tell people to back the fuck off. Afterall, sometimes people need to talk to ease their stress of flying. Also, you never know what they have been through - eventhough you may know it by the end of the flight. Having said all that, since I was flying Southwest and people can pick their own seats, I like it when a cute girl chooses to sit by me. I'm kind of partial to window seats and rarely sit anywhere else. Said cute girls never sit down directly next to me, but in the isle seat. The problem? Inevitably, some douchepump will sit down between us despite the plethora of empty seats throughout the plane. Nobody wins in this situation, except the fucktard who's taking up a third to a half of the seats on either side of him.

A few tactics I do to avoid people on planes:
1) Pretend I'm sleeping. Then, there are always the people who nail you in the face with their jacket or something that clearly proves that you are either awake already, or are awake now.
2) Pretend to be listening to my iPod. This used to not be a problem until the little flight attendants started coming around like Nazis making sure that the "Approved portable devices found on the back page of 'Sky' magazine" are not in use. This means having to take out the earphones.
3) Get the George Costanza busy/concerned/stressed look on my face. This is often the best course of action because it makes everyone else, including the flight attendants, a little edgy. I know, I'm a sick man.
4)Fake twitching. A real crowd pleaser! Especially if accompanied by some vocal frosting mimicking a Turet's outburst. *shoulder twitch* "Yeah, I totally agree! FILTHY WHORE!!" *head snap* "BALLLLLLLLLLLLICKER!!!!