HALO SCAN IS HAVING A MELTDOWN

You may have noticed (at least I have) that haloscan is freeking out on that last post. Please continue any comments here...........

ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST

Over lunch today the guys and I were discussing how someone we all know is getting a divorce. She's missed the last 31/2 days of work. Not sure if its been due to re-situating, general depression, etc. - most likely a combination. Anyhow, this got us revisiting our concept of the 5 YEAR MARRAIGE CONTRACT. I realize my explaination lacks a little, because really - how much can you write in a few minutes? But if you have any additions or objections - please share...

REALITY VS. FANTASY

On a couple of blogs I read today I saw a few posts that mentioned cheesy lines and vulgar things said by random losers in a feeble attempt to pick up the authors of said blogs.

This reminded me of something I was thinking about yesterday. As I was watching pieces of some movie on HBO, there was this woman talking about one of her fantasies. She started with something relating to laying on a beach and a "Stranger" walks up and gently caresses her head and then her neck - and works his way down to... well, you know. I have to say, I've actually personally heard varying renditions of this same fantasy by many women. The variables being mostly the venue and the gender - however, the constant is the "Stranger". I pause to ponder. Seriously, if some stranger came up to you while you were relaxing at a relaxing location with your relaxing drink and relaxing sounds or music and touched your face - wouldn't you freak out?? I mean FREAK OUT?? NO - I MEAN FREAK THE FUCK OUT???? Yet the fantasy is so popular.

I hear about these assclowns who say disrespectful things to unknown women and I have no questions about why so many guys can come across to women as creepy. It really ruins it for the guys who are genuine. This is exactly why I don't approach women (generally speaking). I'm afraid to get the cold shoulder because some fucktard earlier in the evening thought that because a girl's thong was sticking out in the back, he had license to grab it and make idiot remarks about it- and now she's making all the other guys pay for it. I see a lot of my friends (who have no problem approaching women randomly) get blown off - and they are just nice guys trying to get by. WTH?

PUPPY

I was thinking about getting a new puppy.

I would name him Chunks.

I would secretly laugh when people talked about how they got so drunk they blew chunks.

NO TITLE REQUIRED...........

FABULOUS DUBYA B.

PIMPTASTIC

Funny sh*t - WHATS YOUR PIMP NAME?

Mine is D. Magical Brian Smooth. I like it. I think I might have to file a name change with HR.

Whats yours???

TEXT UPDATE

Apparently something went wrong at Verizon in removing the texting block on my phone as it seems it doesn't function. I only know this because on Friday night, Chuck was trying to find me in the casino using text and I didn't receive. Getting back into town last night I got the usual barrage of people also chiding me for not returning. I can see this is all a bad idea. Again. Can't I just be a hermit?

NO, I DON'T HAVE A CASE OF THE MONDAYS

Its often that life in my office could be compared to that at Inatech. Just this morning, ONE of my bosses came by and asked if I had sent out the new proposals to (enter Giant Cruise Ship Company here). I confirmed that I had. "But you didn't copy the Customer Service Center on the e-mail?" He said. "No, I guess I forgot." I admitted "You know that now you are supposed to copy them on the proposals you send out. Didn't you get the memo?"

"Yes, I got the memo."

"Let's make sure to copy them from now on."

"Right-O" I say as I give him the cheesy grinned thumbs-up sign.

I'm not joking when I say I had the same conversation with 2 more "Bosses" this morning.

To cap it off, and I swear this is true, this annoying sloth of a woman asked me
if I had a case of the Mondays!!!! Fucktards.

NEW RECORD FOR PROCRASTINATION

My procrastination has hit new levels!!!! Just now, exactly 8 hrs 21 minutes and 36seconds prior to the deadline, I filed my taxes. Now, for many people filing the standard return - the sooner you file, the sooner you get your return - so many tend to want to file as soon as they can. For me, I intentionally underpay - so the later I file, the later I owe. Why do I underpay? Think about it this way - the money you get back from your return was money that belonged to you in the first place, except you gave it to the Gov't to hold on to, and they didn't offer you any interest on that money. Either way, you are paying them the same. I take the standpoint that I'd rather hold on to my money and make it gain interest before the IRS gets to have it. So while I make 2-3% interest, you get nuthin. Nada. Zippo. Zero... Really, its a pain to write out that check to the IRS - but I have to remind myself that its worth it.

Now I'm off to relax for the weekend before doing all of this work stuff again. For another week. Hope you do some relaxing too!

OKAY,OKAY,OKAY, ALREADY!!!!!!!!!

REFUKINLAX NOW. I've lifted the texting block on my phone because
I'm tired of hearing people bitch about it. Doesn't mean I'm going
to respond via text though. Probably. I really hate having to give in
to trends because the consequence of not giving in is making life more difficult!
Fuck me.

MORNING JOKE

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were
staring at
a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting
on a park bench.

Two of the figures had black weinees, but the one in the middle had
a pink weinee.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white,patriarchal
society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
weinee also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached
the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really
about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of
the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there
are no African-Americans depicted at all.

They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle
went home for lunch.

WHAT THE.......

CLICK HERE to see a funny penis shirt and its corresponding explaination. Tell me what you think...........


Ladies, if you are VULVARIFIC CLICK HERE. If you purchase anything, I deserve pictures!!!

GLOATING RESUMED (HOPEFULLY)

Hopefully, with any luck you are looking at pictures of fishing over the weekend (if successful, thank you Caroline and TG!). Yeah, don't comment about the cig - it went well with the Bud Light and fishing rod. I was accessorizing! And it was a little windy that day outside of that cove which is what was up with the crazy hair. The other two fucktards (I was looking for a use for that word today) are my brother- with the fish, and my best buddy, chuckworth- administering the "rabbit ears".

For all of you still fighting cold snaps - HA! Its summertime, baby! And I coudn't be happier! This is MY time!!!



UPDATE: Holy shit, these pics are GIANT!!!!!!!!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LISSA ANN

Today is LISSA ANN'S B-day! Wish her a happy one and tell her she's getting OOOOOOOOLLLLLLDDDDDDD!!!!!!!! Biaatch!

(She's so going to kick my ass!!!)

GLOATING INTERUPTED

Well, in my attempt to gloat about the 80+ weather, the first fishing excursion and first golf round of the year - I've run into the problem that I'm not smart enough to work Picasa/Hello in order to post the pictures. I'm actually afraid its going to post them automatically and MANY TIMES over (because I've hit the button multiple times). Truth is, I really still don't understand how it works, but we've already established my ignorance with this whole 'net thing. I guess we'll see!

TOURNEY OF EXES

Since most of the people that I know of that read my site are either divorced, jilted or just plain twisted. I figured you might get a kick out of THE TOURNAMENT OF EXES.

THATS A BUMMER, MAN. THATS JUST A BUMMER

I'm not sure why a guy would let "himself" be operated on for . When everyone knows its not a proven proceedure yet.

HELLO?!?!?! HALOSCAN!!!! WHERE THE F**K ARE YOU?????

I've got some important comments to read and write!

God knows, this is much more important than the work they pay me to do over here!

TOMORROW IS OFFICIAL "SLAP YOU CO-WORKER" DAY!

Slap Your Co-Worker Day!!!
Tomorrow is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-worker Day:
Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring details that you don't give a damn about?
Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you?
Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty, you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it?
Well, I am so very glad to officially announce tomorrow as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY!

There are, however, rules you must follow:
* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can, however, slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole-punch.
* CURSING IS MANDATORY! After you have slapped the recipient, your "assault" must be followed with something like "cause I'm sick of your stupid-ass always fucking up stuff!"
* If questioned by a supervisor [or police, if the supervisor is the irritant], you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!
Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping! (Have a great day)

BLOWED UP

Mad at someone? Need to vent? Check out THIS SITE. I lifted this from RHM's site, and its bad ass. Don't worry - it doesn't cause any REAL damage to the site you are blowing up, but just don't type in my site -mkay.

(I CAN'T COME UP WITH A FITTING TITLE, I'M LAME)

I was having breakfast this morning at a little cafe and out of the corner of my
eye, I see this attractive girl sobbing only a couple of stools down the counter from me.

"Excuse me, are you okay?" I said sincerely

"I'm fine." Standard female response meaning 'Does it look like I'm fine, asshole?!'

"No,really - what's the matter?"

"Why would I tell my problems to a total stranger?"

"Thats the point, maybe you should - you might feel better."

"No, really. My analyst can't even help me."

"Try me."

"Okay, I'm a nymphomanic and I'm only attracted to Jewish Cowboys."

"Well, what's the problem? You like what you like. Embrace it."

"I guess I never looked at it that way! You're right that helps! My name is
Colleen"

"I'm glad I could help Colleen. My name is Bucky Goldstein."

SOME PEOPLE HAVE WAY TO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS...

But I'm glad they kind of do, because THIS is funny as
hell!!!

Kind of like a train wreck. You can't help looking.

SHOULD A BIRTH MONTH BE THIS DESCRIPTIVE?

Only because I'm too busy for a legit entry..............


Take the quiz: "What does your birth month reveal about you?"

May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children.Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

HHMMMMMMM. The only one that sticks out as completely untrue is Easily Angered. I guess sometimes, but who isn't a little moody? I don't get angry too often. Irritated, maybe. Angry? Not so much. Oh, and I don't know about this "Beautiful" shit either. Not a word I've ever been comfortable with as a description for a guy.

I'M RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL, BITCH!

April 3, 2005 -- A HATTIESBURG, Miss., policewoman and her husband found out
the hard way how popular Dave Chappelle's Comedy Central show is -
especially his catch phrase, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" Diane James' husband,
Rick James, is running for Hattiesburg City Council. She wrote to Comedy
Central: "Due to the popularity of the Dave Chappelle show, people keep
stealing our 'Vote Rick James' yard signs ... we would appreciate a small
campaign donation for more signs, as we are working-class people and
financing this campaign out of our own pockets. Each time a sign is stolen,
it costs us $4.75! Every time a 'Rick James' piece runs on your show, we
stand to lose dozens of signs overnight, which end up decorating people's
front yards and dorm rooms ... the yard signs have been spotted at least 100
miles from our home by truckers ... Also, young children on bikes scream,
'I'm Rick James, bitch!' as we drive by in our car with our 'Rick James' car
signs ... People even drive by our home and scream, 'Super Freak.'" No word
on whether Comedy central will pitch in for more signs.

Only in Mississippi.

I'LL SHARE ONE OF MY PRANKS...

If you work in an office, and international calls are common, ask the victim to call Mr. Mike Wilson in the UK. Ph # 011 +44 8700 716315. You'll laugh your ass off! Just one of my little tricks.

WORLDS SHORTEST FAIRYTALE

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "will you marry me?"
She said "No"
And they both lived happily ever after!

APRIL F...F...F... FUCK IT.

Yeah. I drank last night. Yeah. I'm a bit hung over. Yeah. I was had pretty big this morning. Yeah. She knows who she is. Yeah. Payback is a bitch.

Anyhow, since in Brianworld everyday is April fool's day - the fact that I was had on this day is pretty ironic. I'm convinced today is my day of penence (sp?) for the dirty tricks I pull on everyone else.

Oh well. Its really damn funny. I hope I made her day because she was able to fool somebody.

On the other hand, I've got some people in the office going on some good ones right now. A variety too - so I'm sure they'll be figuring it out around lunch time when they start gossiping.

Anyhow, I hope you all make it through the day without too much havoc.

Be the smartass, not the dumbass.