I DON'T THINK I'D SURVIVE PRISON

I went to a dinner party last night. It was a birthday gathering for my buddy's Austrian girlfriend. The food was outstanding. The drinking was good, although she made some kind of Austrian version of jungle juice which was clearly potent enough to strip the paint off an airplane. Of course it had fruit slices, which had been soaking and tasted like a shot of pure ethel alcohol with each bite. Needless to say, I stuck with champaign - I happen to not mind the hair on my chest.

I think there were about 15 people there, two of which were her friend and friend's sister visiting from Austria. As the night moved on, I noticed the friend's sister kept staring at me until finally she approached to talk. She had been hitting the jungle juice and was feeling pretty good. Was she hot?? Um, yeah!

We exchanged stories of travels and journeys and she sounded as if she'd been globe trotting for the last decade. Somewhere toward the end of the conversation (and you'll soon know why it was the end..) she looks me in the eye and says, "I've never kissed a guy before."

Reeeaaallly?????

"Nope. Only girls. Lots of girls."


*silence.*


*blank stare*
I could feel my throat dry up and caught my tongue sticking 3 feet out of my mouth.

*more silence*

Then, like a hurling stone beaning me in the head, it hit me.

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Fifteen."

I'm going to repeat that: FIFFUKKINTEEN!!!!! WTF??? She was traveling on her own, drinking like a pro and talking like a 26 year old. What is wrong with this picture??

As I excused myself (politely and gently), I glanced over at my buddy who was snickering uncontrollably. He had been watching this unfold since the moment I got there and patiently waiting for the punchline. Bastard!!

In case you are wondering, she still hasn't ever kissed a guy.

Just thought I'd make that clear.